STANDUP STAGE

“I recently decided to grow a beard.” • “Not for style. Not for warmth. Primarily, because I am not fond of sunscreen.”

“Whoa, easy on the monitor levels back there, Tony! Can you hear me in the back?” • “This isn't a midlife crisis, folks... this is a full-blown hostage negotiation with high-speed Wi-Fi!”

“Whoa, easy on the monitor levels back there, Tony! Can you hear me in the back?” • “I tried handling my life like a responsible adult, which was my first catastrophic mistake of the decade!”

“My smart thermostat just told me... it needs some space.” • “I said: buddy... you're literally bolted to my living room drywall!”

“Why is TSA at the airport always yelling like we're in an action movie?!” • “'Shoes off! Laptops out! Sir, step away from the moisturizing hand sanitizer!'”

“His dating profile said: 'Fluent in sarcasm, loves hiking, six-foot-three.'” • “Ladies... he was five-foot-eight, and his greatest hike was from the couch to the microwave!”